Sex (Re-) Education is a sex and relationship advice column for women in their late 30s, 40s and beyond. Have a question for Alyssa? Fill out This format.
Dear Alyssa,
I am a 46 year old mother of three and I am in menopause. Hot flashes are no fun and insomnia is real, but what really shocks me is my sinus disorder. I don’t even recognize her. Things, let’s say, hang lower. It’s dry as a desert down there. I usually have a pretty active sex life with my husband, but my vagina doesn’t make it easy. I want her to look prettier, pinker and more feminine. And the extreme dryness is so great. I have no one to talk to about this. it is very personal. So I turn to you. Do I need vaginal resuscitation? And if so, what options are there for me?
Thanks,
Vag Curious
Dear Vag Curious,
This is definitely a hot topic in my circle, and since I’m the one who writes about sex and seemingly the most literate in the world of gay culture, you’re not the only one asking me about it. The problem is, until very recently, I was in the “Don’t be crazy! Who’s looking!?” camp. To my friends like you, I’ll roll my eyes and suggest they get botox or keratin. Why so dismissive? Partly because I’m heavily influenced by my 1970s natural mother, who taught me and my sister that our “individuals” are beautiful just the way they are. and partly because I had a general attitude of gratitude for a healthy womb that was able to push out a baby or two.
Either way, me I have she was kind of a bitch about it.
But then, last week, one of my best friends, Bella — who is recently divorced and honestly obsessed having the most perfect, um, kitty, as she’s starting to date again – she pulled me along with her for a weekly vaginal tightening appointment at this popular spa called VSPOT. I didn’t want to go. However, I am nothing if not the friend you bring to the bay church.
So while Bella sat in this supposedly magical chair that basically does 11,000 kegels for you while you sit and gossip, I learned a few things. There were many non-surgical and low-key menu options for lightening and tightening – to your question about making things pinker and prettier – and there was also Hormone Replacement Therapy, Pelvic Floor Therapy, help with chronic dryness, and help to improve orgasms . Also, everyone there was cool and hip and non-judgmental.
As we toured the spa, we were sharing about our own insecurities: the body parts we love and don’t love so much, the pressure to look a certain way, especially if you compare yourself to porn, and suddenly, I fell off my high horse and I fell in love with the place. How nice that such places exist. How nice that hot women can walk in and out of a vaginal medspa without being embarrassed or ashamed. Am I going to go back and make myself vaginal? Probably not. I’d rather save my money for botox or keratin. But the existence of such a place is very positive.
This is not an advertisement for VSPOT. This is an ode to all the people and places that make us feel safe, seen, and cared for when we’re wondering how to deal with our changing bodies, seeking a refresher, or dealing with that harsh, disorienting thing called perimenopause. You say you have no one to talk to, but that is changing. Talking about our womanhood, our naked bodies, our hormones, all of it, has been largely de-stigmatized in modern circles. Having the tools to talk about vaginal wellness is a sign of an evolved self. Telling everyone in the room that you peed when you sneezed a second ago (Hey!) is a way to show that you’re not a freak, but a force. It’s totally okay to ask like-minded women WTF is in tune with the architecture of your downstairs area? WTF is up with the death of your libido? WTF is up with the brain fog, fatigue, lack of focus, migraines.
All we have to say, it’s not about what you should or shouldn’t do, vaginally, it’s about understanding WTF you’re up to with your beautiful, disturbed body.
Learn about it. Talk to people. Talk to your doctors, your girlfriends, listen to podcasts, get familiar. Find your VSPOT match. You will learn that there are so many options for your frustrations right now, both surgical and non-surgical. Both mentally and physically. Both physically and psychologically. Too many to list. See what’s right for you. Not for your husband. Or your mom’s friends. Or your mom. Or me. Only you.
Take some time to think about it. Talk to professionals you can trust. Stay healthy. And do what’s right for you.
Sincerely,
Alice
