There were certain aspects of parenthood that I looked forward to when I started my motherhood journey a decade ago – changing diapers, preparing chicken nuggets, reading tons of books, and so on.
There were other parts of parenting I wasn’t as prepared for—like spending hours searching for a missing shoe that would be found months later wedged under the passenger seat of the car. It brings together a lot of very specific opinions on chicken nuggets brands. Pretend you know what Minecraft is.
But the aspect of parenthood that has surprised me is the time, money and emotional energy I spend thinking about teeth.
It wasn’t always like that. In fact, this is a relatively recent development, and one that seemed to appear overnight.
From seeing our pediatric dentist “once every six months” – which was actually more like once every nine months since I had to reschedule every appointment 23 times – to visiting the orthodontist’s office almost every other day now that my oldest child has reached the age of orthodontics. And just last week, at our pediatrician’s appointment—which we’re way overdue because getting three kids out of three different schools takes a lot longer than you’d think—I was informed that my middle child has a cross bite and will need braces sooner rather than later. later.
I think this might be dental karma coming to finally get me. By some genetic miracle, my kids have avoided any cavities up to this point. In absolutely no faith of mine. When the dental hygienist asked my 5-year-old if he brushes his teeth every day, he replied “No each day’ as if it were simply too much of a burden to bear. And when he asked him if he did yarn, he said, “What is yarn?”
So it really was only a matter of time before I paid the fees for my child’s dental problems.
But it’s not just my kids’ teeth that need braces. I’m getting orthodontics too, because as it turns out, the human mouth gets worse with age. And, as it turns out, it’s possible to take care of your teeth too aggressively, which in my case means that brushing too carefully has destroyed my gums. A periodontist used the phrase “severe recession” more than once when examining my mouth and then described the procedure to correct my receding gums. The description, I was weak in the knees, included the words “pig gum” and “corpses.”
“But orthodontics can fix it!” he said briskly.
So here we are. I am currently making two triple figure monthly payments on two different sets of braces for at least 14 months and staring down the barrel at a third triple figure monthly payment for another 14 months. And that’s after insurance.
I guess I’d just like to know what gives teeth the right to be so dramatic.
No other part of my body or my children’s body gave me as much trouble. And we had bone problems. My daughter broke her leg when she was four. She got a bright pink cast that she wore all summer and wore it down to one mattress from using it to propel her scooter, and cried when the doctor removed the cast because she loved it so much. And that was it. Her leg was stable.
When my son was two years old, he closed a door and closed the tip of his pinky finger. It was traumatic and gross and we spent the whole day in the hospital, but they sewed it back up and now it’s as good as new.
These body parts didn’t need 14 months of braces and triple figure payments and office visits every other day. They just figured out how to fix themselves. Why can’t teeth do the same?
Until science figures out how to prevent teeth from becoming such drama queens, the least we can do is add a chapter to parenting books about the savings accounts parents should start for their children’s orthodontics (and their own). Right after the chapter on chicken bites.
